Polyamory and the Murky World of Active Dating Apps

It’s a pretty cut and dry situation when you’re dating someone monogamously, and it comes to your attention that your partner has an active profile on a dating app.

In the world of polyamory, there is an almost debilitating amount of context and nuance involved.

And as I continue to set up the meat of this post, I want to relay a quote I absolutely love: “You don’t know what your dealbreakers are until they are broken.”

Which brings me to why I gathered you all here today: it is officially a dealbreaker for me if a partner conveys that they don’t have time for me, whatever that might entail, only to be active on a dating app.

I’ve unfortunately found myself in this situation multiple times (that excruciating juxtaposition). The first draft of this post listed all the ways those partners put me in that situation, but I decided to save those details for another day. I will say instead that these partners told me they either had no proper time for me — or no time to date, at all, on any level — only to consistently update, upgrade, and be active on their dating app(s).

Again, it gets murky when we are talking about polyamory and dating apps. If you don’t have an agreement with their partners about being polyfidelitous, or simply to abstain from online dating for whatever reason, then it’s not unreasonable for them to have an active dating profile. However, if they are demonstrating that they can’t make space for me, only to still be on the dating apps, it is now my cue to exit.

Here is why it’s now a dealbreaker for me, starting from the most innocuous speculation and gradually increasing in dubiousness:

1. The partner truly doesn’t have time or energy for me, or anyone, but treats dating apps like a kind of social media. Instead of posting memes, they update their pictures. This is still suspect for me: of all the ways to unwind, they have chosen the avenue people go to in order to find matches, dates, and relationships. It’s extremely false advertising.
2. The partner still doesn’t have time for anyone, but enjoys the thrill of attracting and being attractive to the gender(s) that they are attracted to — even if they have no intention of meeting them in person. Aside from being false advertising and potentially wasting people’s time, that tells me that they are more interested in the instant gratification of dating without any of the effort it takes to maintain meaningful connections. And I’m not here for that.
3. The partner is a Pokémon Polyamorist — a term I created for the polyamorous people who “gotta catch ’em all!” It doesn’t matter how full their plate is; they are constantly looking for the next new date, new partner, new relationship. I’ll make a bigger post someday as to why I stay away from Pokémon Polyamory, but — in short — I’m clearly not a priority to them, and that’s not how I do polyamory.
4. The partner lied to me. Whatever the reason — because they’re running from their feelings and want to pursue only casual things, because they’re not actually into me, because this seemed easier than just breaking up — is irrelevant. When they said they didn’t have time, they meant with me. When they said they didn’t have the ability to be in a relationship, they meant with me. But they are more than happy to pursue that with someone else. Either way: thank you, next.

And perhaps — more important than the why they are doing it — is how it makes me feel. Being told there is no space for me while they are clearly making space for at least the idea of dating other people makes me feel like I’m not a priority. It makes me feel backburnered. And I cannot have that feeling in my relationships, not anymore.

Now, I would never end things without at least an attempt at communication first — but if that attempt falls on deaf ears, or results in zero change in behavior, then it is time to see myself out.

Some people might find this dealbreaker a bit much, and I can understand that. But dealbreakers are not about what is palatable for the public; it is about what you need to feel safe and secure in your relationship. I have had a huge problem with partners not making time or space for me, with partners backburnering me the second something more immediate or interesting crosses their path. And, likewise, I have had a huge problem with doing things entirely on a partner’s terms, accommodating them while I compromise my own relationship needs. It has caused me a lot of suffering and I do not want to experience that suffering again.

(Again, you don’t know what your dealbreakers are until they’ve broken.)

The older I get — and the more time I spend in the polyamory world — the more ruthless my dealbreakers are becoming. My time is precious, and so is my peace of mind. And I’m learning I never win out when I trade my mental wellbeing for love.

Active dating profiles, on their own, are not a dealbreaker. Partners who are struggling to find proper amounts of time are not necessarily one, either. But partners who relegate me, only to spend time on dating app, will be a dealbreaker from here on out.